| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2008|12:40 am] |
il y a longtemps - trop en fait.
toujours pareil. il me manque. toujours comme ca.
j'ai envie de rentrer en france - d'aller vivre la-bas pour toujours.
on verra. on verra. |
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| Interview |
[Jun. 26th, 2008|01:38 pm] |
In the past week, I've had one interview per day.
I interviewed at Rising Roll (downtown restaurant) on Monday, Suntrust (downtown) on Tuesday, Rising Roll again on Wednesday, and Putman Travel today.
So far, they all have gone well I just need to land a job. Seriously.
Also, I think that Mike and I are moving into an apartment on Townes (downtown) around July 15th or so. I'll keep you updated. No big deal. |
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| damaged. |
[May. 30th, 2008|01:08 pm] |
nothing is going the way i want it to. hopefully, i'll learn something major.
i don't know, i need something good to happen. |
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| For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. |
[Jan. 23rd, 2008|02:07 pm] |
In the most inopportune times, I find myself completely enamored with the wrong person.
It's always the worst time, and always the worst person. To start, I found someone whom I knew didn't add up to me. Then, the much older, much wiser, much different sugar daddy. Soon I found myself falling for the ever-so-out-of-reach pitcher. Intermittently, I fell for the straight guys: The straight guys that voluntarily said, "Yea, Isaac! If I were gay, you'd be the one." False hope. I then decided to love myself and myself alone.
That worked.
In walks this Christopher character. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 21st, 2008|01:21 pm] |
last night. it was late, i was attempting to write in my blogspot travel blog.
jenny (scottish gal) came in, she sat beside me, she began reading what i was writing. typically, i do not mind when people read over my shoulder. given that the travel blog is something for friends and family to read, i like for it to be as honest as possible.
now it wasn't the nature of secrecy that bothers me.
the thing that bothered me was that she immediately judged the title - and all work is empty save when there is love.
her response to the title, "i don't like that title."
my response to her, "ok. i don't care."
needless to say i was in total bitch mode.
that's really all i have to say.
peace niggas! |
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| Ca fait longtemps... |
[Dec. 14th, 2007|10:39 pm] |
Welcome to France.
The land of the strike, the land of wine, the land of cheese and bread. The land of complete and utter sexual confusion. Not only am I constantly unsure of French men, but I find myself questioning that of Christopher.
Back story: As an assistant here, I have attached myself to other assistants. Chris is one of them, he's British. Once I offered to join him in Paris so he wouldn't have to ford the river alone. From that point forward, I must admit I was shocked at the depth of character and the maturity that is present in him. At first it was infatuation. I was intrigued by his knowledge, upbringing, and similar topics. Then I found the two of us getting significantly closer and closer - emotionally and physically. The problem is that he definitely identifies as a heterosexual man. He has a girlfriend, I have met her, and she is lovely. He does admit, however, that he isn't completely heterosexual and does not discount the possibility of loving a man.
Frankly, I'm confused. I'm not sure what I have to do, if anything. As much as I'm not superstitious, I must follow the horoscope in that I should let it play itself out. I do tend to rush things often, especially in the realm of boys. I'll allow it progress if it so happens. If not, tant pis. |
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| it's been awhile... |
[Mar. 16th, 2007|04:52 pm] |
i know i know, it's been a long while.
i haven't felt the need to confide. rather, i haven't felt the need to confide in something unreal. i have been doing a fair job of confiding in people.
this situation, however, must be shared on an impersonal basis.
i feel completely lost.
i just wish he was comfortable enough with himself to come out...
i love him, i think. that's me overshooting it, but i want to overshoot it.
the timing could not be worse, the future plans couldn't be more disparate.
she even calls him son-in-law.
damnit, mom. it hurts. |
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| for the record... |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|11:59 pm] |
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choices have consequences, so make wise choices. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|11:36 am] |
it sucks to think friends are hiding things from you.
big things. |
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| coming soon... |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|04:12 pm] |
after this summer, it's a real possibility that i never speak to my grandparents again.
not out of malice but apathy.
it's amazing how everyone will let me down before i die - everyone. |
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| typiquement |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|10:02 pm] |
i crave everything.
i crave attention, i crave equality, i crave justice, i crave love.
strangely enough, the people who should be able to provide this - my family, seem to fail at this task.
as we develop into adults, we are forced to believe in the sanctity of relation. family is the most important - you can always count on your relatives.
so far, i'd agree. i can always count on ian. i'm going to say i can always count on mom even though i just don't think she has the resources to do so.
i can, by no means, count on anyone else in my family. it seems that i am nothing but a burden on their lives.
sadly, i chose to stay at home (in greenville) this summer so that i could spend time with them one last time. possibly reconcile things.
apparently, that will never happen. it might be some hang up that i have. i have this uncanny ability to take all emotion out of every situation possible - thus making every thing extremely business-like.
focus:
today was a bad day. i have been constantly thinking of the car issue (i don't have one). brian told me not to worry about this, but we "need to have a talk." i don't even know if that's good or bad, but my nature is to worry. also, i decided to do a bit of shopping to ease the nerves today. as i checked my account a day and a half ago, i had well over 100 bucks. well, i didn't. i withdrew too much money. i must now ask for money from my grandparents.
that just adds so much shit to the pile.
and god knows that pile is too fucking big and smelly anyways. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|06:44 pm] |
dear jesus/god/allah/muhammad/geisha/gilgamesh/zeus/anyothergod,
show me that my grandparents care. make them buy me a car. i saw a sweet landrover that i want. please let them buy it for me.
love,
moi |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
them: zaxby's chicken.
me: a cheap, browned-lettuce house salad from ingles. complete with real bits of bacon.
i love it. |
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| we all do it |
[Jul. 4th, 2006|10:21 am] |
i take people for granted.
i accept them "as they are" and then i try to change them so life is more convenient for me.
be who you are,
and remember to love the people you love
not for what they do for you,
not for who they are for you,
but for who they are.
guilt runs rampant in this respect; we all attempt to contort people so as to fit what we need.
i need to realize that there are people that care and i need to let them care. people exist who need each other.
i don't think i'm alone in this...
If only I could throw away the urge to trace my patterns in your heart, I could really see you... |
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| not to say i'm right |
[Jul. 1st, 2006|11:31 pm] |
i appreciate all my friends, especially those that, from time to time, serve as a chauffeur. by no means am i attempting to demean you or leave out my appreciation for your help.
my not having a car is killing me.
psychologically, i'm dying inside.
there is a point at which i do need people, and i am not getting nearly the amount of interaction i need.
my brother, upon leaving for alabama, had a conversation with my grandparents about how they treat me - how i'm treated differently (read: worse) than he is. as he mentioned this, my grandparents made a comment about how they do not have the money to buy me a car (as they did him) due to house renovations, cars, etc.
that is fine.
yesterday my grandmother made a comment to her sister about how the loan for house renovations is almost paid, and how the tv is almost paid.
i read, "i will have some expendable monies soon."
my grandfather's truck will be paid in less than 9 months.
thus, timing could be perfect - i could (read: will not) receive a car for graduation.
awesome.
we'll see.
talk is coming soon, i'll keep you posted. |
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| note: i am a vegetarian |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|11:19 am] |
remember before reading this that i, isaac arnold, am a vegetarian (that means i don't eat meat).
last night, i noticed that we, the family, were grilling out. with a bit of logic, i deduced that we do not have veggie burgers or anything of that nature in the house because i am the only one that has any opposition to meat. thus, i asked my grandfather if i could run to the store to get some. now, this would require him allowing me to use his truck seeing as how i don't have a car (LONG story).
his response: No. no superfluous speech, just a very direct no. i took that for face value and hoped, without logic, that there would be something for me to eat when everything was "said and done."
oh how i was wrong.
my grandmother came to rally the troops (me and ian): "Dinner's ready.. come on."
Ian, in his intelligent mind, asked what they provided for me. My grandmother's response: "We fixed him a hamburger!" Ian reiterated the fact that i am a vegetarian. She said, "Oh well, we have corn too."
God damnit.
I absolutely cannot stand it. I will die if I have to deal with this past this summer. My grandparents are probably THE singlemost inconsiderate people in the world.
Fuck.
ps. my grandfather also stated that my vegetarianism is a "fad." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|10:49 am] |
i know that moving would not solve my problems, i would not receive some sort of epiphane, nor would i experience an awakening.
i must, however, get away from here. i need to go away. i need to leave my family in the dust, to get away from the indifference to life.
i will never understand how anyone in my family made it as they did.
one must live with a certain fervor, a certain zeal. no one in my family has this zeal (or at least I can't see it).
god, please help me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2006|10:35 pm] |
i cannot take this...
it hurts too much. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2006|10:44 pm] |
at some points in life, i contemplate the importance and relevance of family.
one of these points occurred while i was in france. i was too far from home, i missed my family.
i was wrong. i missed no one. i missed the idea of a sense of community when in actuality i was closer to every single one of those people in france than i am to my family.
recently my paternal grandparents, with whom I live, decided to inform my brother upon moving some clothes in (long story) that our father is staying there. for those of you who do not know, we and our father haven't spoken in about... oh 10 years. he decided to choose his girlfriend over us in the divorce.
fine, have it your way
since then, rendez-vous have been rare and i could honestly be extremely content to never see him again.
this made my brother, in a sense, homeless. mom smokes and is taking care of her mother so we don't want to be there. we can't be with dad's parents because of dad. i have to move out of furman in a week, and i have no where to go.
the problem isn't that i feel completely and utterly lost. the problem is that i do, in no way, feel a connection to my family. i often wonder if i was adopted, if i'm not really theirs. there is no way that i can feel this distant yet still belong to them - or is there?
conclusion:
i will no longer even make an effort to relate to my family. they may see me as "holier than thou" in interactions with them, but we are not, i repeat are not, from the same level of maturity, intelligence, or even motivation.
my father is an alcoholic, drug abuser, adulterer.
i am a collegiate student with good grades, a bright future and the only thing (again, i repeat) the ONLY thing holding me back is my family.
i will not let them
be disappointed that i don't want the same life that you had. i don't want to work in a factory or barely skim by life. i want to enjoy life, i want to break rules, i want to live dangerously, i want to be me.
i will never wish to conceal my feelings as well as my grandmother - that is truly an art. congratulations family, you are fake. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2006|04:38 pm] |
as of late, i feel a little fringy.
i feel as though i only exist on the fringe of someone/something else. i don't get the impression that friends entrust me with their secrets, i get the left-out feeling a decent amount, and i sure as hell don't feel like i'm anyone's best friend.
that hurts.
i am starting to become cold. i'm not sure i like it, but i do. i lashed out on my grandmother today concerning my alcohol violation here in telling her that it was absolutely not her business.
that is not me. but it is where i'm heading apparently.
i don't like me anymore. |
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